What can I say.
I usually pride myself in writing to you from a place of having processed something, so that I can report back from the crypt to let you all know that things will be ok.
If I waited to process what has happened in the last while,
I don't think I'd reach out well before 2046.
Here goes, unprocessed and all:
On the other side of 2020, well it's a lot of the same, isnt' it?
New Year, New Me?
New Year, Same Old.
Same old meat suit
Same old world
Growth over care,
Profit over peace
Plutocracy on repeat.
Sure, the flip in the calendar can feel good, but as we all bore witness last weeks,
a mere primary number will not reconcile the absolute shit show we are surviving,
a shit show that is kicking asses and taking names.
a shit show that our most vulnerable are falling victim to
a shit show that is disproportionately affecting Black, Brown and Indigenous Folks.
I am constantly reminding myself that we are being asked to function 'normally' in the wake of a pandemic that has taken the lives of over 2 million people.
Regardless of where you fall on the COVID scale, denier or scared shitless
I think we can all agree
We are not ok.
And I don't mean WE as in 'We're all in this together'
I think we've realized how untrue that statement is.
WE are not the homeless,
WE are not the incarcerated,
WE are not the elderly in a care facility.
The emergency benefits are over and we are all back at work,
and to our government's surprise, the case count is rising.
Last week, I hit the COVID Wall.
Fueled by the NYTimes headline, the curfew, the weather...
I just couldn't anymore.
The wall is something you meet in a long run,
where you desperately cannot go on,
you think your legs will never carry you across the finish line.
This long run we're on?
It's an ultra marathon, with no end, in the dark.
No pace bunny, no gel packs.
No color bombs at the 5km ending.
I've spoken to many women over the last few weeks,
And it sounds like I'm not the only one that has hit that wall.
Kids in school, or 'learning' from home, small businesses to try and save, workplaces that are ripe with burnout, governments that are issuing hateful comments ... I mean it's A LOT to take in.
And we are being asked to take it, to work through it and we are denied the inability to do the very thing we, as humans do in times of crisis:
I know we're suppose to find that extra juice in our legs, in our hearts to carry us to the finish line. I know we're suppose to support these measures and do our part, but that feels kind of impossible sometimes. I'm angry with no real place to put my anger. I'm sad without any place to put my sadness and finally I'm mourning the loss of 2m people and all the atrocities that are occurring at home and overseas.
Today especially, it seems like my legs will never carry through this.
Yet, I know they will.
This morning's walk was sunlit,
the expanse of snow and the hazy shades of blue lavender
lifted my mind away from all the doom and for the hour, I was really happy.
I was reminded that we can find ways to hold still in the darkness,
That's also what we, as humans, do.