|I've had recurring New York City dreams for about 5 years.
They all circle the same theme of being stuck, circling the thing I want to get to, but can't.
- Lost passport? check
- 19 000$ Uber fare? check
- Eaten Credit Cards. check
- Lost plane ticket. check.
- Stuck on bridge. check
You name the travel nightmare.
I dreamed it.
In non dream states
- I've traveled alone in Europe
- Hitchhiked to concerts
- KILLED A WOUNDED DUCK WITH AN AX
- GIVEN BIRTH
I GOT THIS.
So a quick weekend down to New York City ..
THAT'S the thing that"s going to get me to foetal position?
The panic that set in the week I left for NYC?
IT WAS EPIC. UNSHAKEABLE
The giant ball of anxiety kept working up my body until it had coiled around everything I knew and left me no air, no space to squeeze in between thought and reaction,
- Sweat through layers of clothing.
- 3 nights of insomnia
- meltdown in grocery- cart abandon
I had planted the seed of this trip.
I had called in this experience
I had wanted to see the Hilma Af Klimt exhibit (that was closing on my birthday),
But I had not signed up for the crazy-making.
Definitely not wanted to do all that crying.
(SO. MUCH. CRYING)
For sure I did not want to look like that insecure, incapable person who just can't handle her stuff.
Sniffling at the reception desk of the yoga studio
'ARE YOU MY MOMMY?'
You can want something AND be completely terrified of it.
I use to think that fear was the indicator that something bad was going to happen.
Gripping fear, do you know it?
Feels like ice cold lightning shooting up your spine?
'SaberTooth tiger gonna to eat my baby' kind of fear?
I've only faced that fear one other time,
And I cannot say it was with grace or composure.
Rather with sloppy, ugly crying and begging for my own room at the Vipassana Retreat.
They were compliant, but distant.
Urging me to settle down and trust myself.
And I was like
I NEED A FUCKING HUG
On the other side of that fear lies
There is no getting around it,
There is only going through it.
It is the lesson that brings me to my knees
Asking for help
Letting others know when we're struggling.
Admitting that maybe, we don't 'Got This'
Letting go of needing to be these perfect versions of ourselves.
That maybe mediocrity will not swallow us whole if we release the grip ever so slightly.
I had to go through this,
I had to allow the panic,
Allow the fear,
Accept that all the bad things
MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN
EVEN IF THEY DID
I WOULD BE OK.
You can guess that
I was even more than ok.
I let people know that I was scared,
And they got me.
YOU ARE SUPPORTED
Even if the saber-tooth dragon is eating your baby.